“How does it feel to be back in your hometown of Hokkaido?” the reporter asks in Japanese. “I’m not from Hokkaido. I’m from America.” I reply in English… or that’s what I want to reply. Instead, Japanese words flow out as my lips move on their own. I hear myself say how happy I am to be back, and how excited I am to see my family again.
This is the reality of being a member of AKBTG, not that I could ever tell anyone about this reality. I was so excited to be selected to join AKB48, the jewel in the crown of Japanese idol groups. With anticipation, I entered the nanochamber, eager to witness my body’s transformation, and I wasn’t disappointed as my European male body shifted into a petite Japanese female form before my eyes. I was so excited by this bodily transformation that I didn’t think about exactly what behavior, attitude and cultural adjusters would mean. I quickly found out…
I am trapped inside my own body. Whenever I want to act in a way that would betray me as anything other than the perfect member of AKB48, my body goes into autopilot and makes me act in another way, even in private. I can’t speak English properly anymore as the adjusters force out an awkward Japanese accent. I can’t talk about my past to anyone as my lips recount stories of my days growing in Hokkaido and dreaming of being a singer. I can’t even tell anyone about my experiences, as any attempt to recount them becomes a tale of glad I am to be an idol. I think AKBTG weren’t honest about what my transformation would entail, but I can’t tell a single soul. To everyone I encounter, I seem perfectly happy, even though I’m not.
Worse still, the adjusters seem to be affecting my mind. Sometimes I think in my new persona, with the adjusters not needing to act as I behave like a perfect AKB48 member without prompting. At first, I shook this off as me getting used to my new life, but these moments are now more and more common. Now I’m starting to think… Am I doomed to become this woman inside as well as out?
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